


Immortal Problems

by sabrina_il (marina)



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Bath Sex, Bathing/Washing, Bathroom Sex, Cunnilingus, F/F, Fluff and Feels, Fluff and Smut, Immortals being their weird immortal selves, Inexperience with menstruation, M/M, Menstrual Sex, Menstruation, Multiple Orgasms, POV Nile Freeman, happy team feels, immortals have no sense of privacy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-02
Updated: 2020-08-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:34:50
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,042
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25677430
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/marina/pseuds/sabrina_il
Summary: The worst part of immortality by far, the thing no one’s prepared her for, the thing for which no guides exist and that takes Nile completely by surprise, is that she still gets her period.
Relationships: Andy | Andromache & Nile Freeman & Joe | Yusuf al-Kaysani & Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Nile Freeman, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Nile Freeman & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Nile Freeman & Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Nile Freeman/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova
Comments: 36
Kudos: 265





	Immortal Problems

The worst part of immortality by far, the thing no one’s prepared her for, the thing for which no guides exist and that takes Nile completely by surprise, is that she still gets her period. 

Weeks after they start working with Copley, after Nile’s world has been turned thoroughly upside down, after she’s made peace with the fact that she’ll need to change her identity, stay away from her family forever, move in with a bunch of ancient immortals, after all that, she spends two hours sitting on a ratty couch in an abandoned house they’ve been using a base while they’re staking out a mark who’s a potential human trafficker, and when she gets up there’s a dark, red stain on the light brown fabric. 

It takes a moment for her brain to even process it. At first she thinks she must have been injured somehow, or maybe her mind was playing tricks on her and the stain had always been there.

But no, as the seconds tick by, while Andy, Nicky and Joe are all sitting in different corners of the room quietly doing their own things, Nile’s mind insists that the only logical explanation is that she’s gotten her period, not realized it, and the blood from her vagina has now soaked through the couch they all use everyday. 

For a moment she wants to laugh, hysterically, that she’s somehow immortal and yet still having this experience, which she’d been sure she left behind in middle school. 

Something in her posture must alert the others, because when Nile looks up three heads are staring at the stain on the couch, just like she was a moment ago. 

Great, she thinks, feeling heat rushing to her face. Of course the immortal version of this would be even worse than middle school, when at least she’d had time to deal with it before her mom had come home from work. 

“Is that…” Joe says, with a frown. 

Andy’s the first to look away from the couch and up at Nile’s face. “That’s… unusual,” she says, sounding faintly flustered, which is not a look Nile would ever imagine could cross Andy’s face. 

“What the hell?” Nile says, a little hysterical, staring at Andy as if she’s responsible for delivering answers, as the oldest one in the room and the only other person with a uterus. 

Nicky clears his throat before saying, “It’s a perfectly natural—“

Nile cuts him off by glaring at him. 

“I don’t know,” Andy says, still more confused than Nile’s ever seen her. She comes over to look closer at the stain, as if it’s an alien artifact. “It never happened to me, no matter how many times my body rebuilt itself. But then I was done bleeding years before my first death.”

“What about Quynh?” Joe asks, as if they’re having a casual conversation about sandwich preferences. “Definitely not by the time we met, but maybe… before?”

Andy’s face darkens, momentarily, before she recovers. “Quynh’s body was different, even before she died.”

Nile gives her a moment, waiting for Andy to continue, but no further details are forthcoming, and Nile can tell prodding Andy would be a bad idea. 

“So what does this mean?” Nile says, feeling like the heat in her face is rising to new temperatures. “I get my period every month for the next thousand years?”

“Not necessarily,” Joe says, getting up from where he was reading a book, on the carpet, his feet in Nicky’s lap. “Nicky’s teeth used to be way less pretty than they are now. Mine were too. Our bodies go through strange transformations when something is damaged. Maybe that part of you is still whole, and functioning as normal, but that might change in the future.”

If she steps on a bomb or someone cuts her open, he means. Maybe when she heals, her body will finally get with the program. 

“You can’t conceive, either way,” Andy says. “That much I know. I’ve never met any of us who could create new life, no matter what their bodies were doing.”

It’s at that moment that Nile realizes there’s more blood seeping out of her, and since she’d clearly soaked through her underwear and jeans, it’s probably making the invisible stain on the black fabric covering her ass even worse. 

“Um,” Nile says, suddenly realizing there are no tampons or even pads in this house, nevermind a moon cup. “Fuck,” she breaths out. The nice thing about being in the military was that she lives with so many other girls, this sort of thing was never a problem. If you were ever out of supplies, there was always someone to borrow from.

“Come here,” Andy says, taking a step closer to Nile, and wrapping her arms about Nile’s shoulders. It’s a rare gesture, Andy isn’t usually the one who initiates physical touch, and Nile appreciates it. She’s slowly learning very few norms of human behavior apply to immortals, especially the more she realizes the other three are ‘behaving themselves’, to avoid scaring or shocking her, most days. 

Andy’s hug is brief, but it’s enough to center Nile, give her a moment to ground herself. 

She’s standing here in her filthy underwear and jeans, and she needs to go to the bathroom, clean herself up, and come up with a plan so she doesn’t stain any more furniture. 

They’re in Germany, not far from Köln, and Nile knows nothing about the nearest place to get menstruation supplies, and doesn’t speak the language besides. 

“One of you will have to drive me to the store,” she says, still looking at Andy. They all know Andy is always the one behind the wheel. She gets too restless otherwise. 

“Our amateur gynecologist can take you,” Andy shrugs, and Nile snorts. 

Joe pretends to look offended. Nile stops him before he can launch into a speech about how his homeland had the most advanced medicine in the world during his lifetime, and of course he’s generally kept up with the field ever since, despite never needing the services of a doctor.

“Let’s get you cleaned up first,” Andy says, a hand on Nile’s cheek, and Nile doesn’t know if it’s the PMS or the fact that they were all just staring at her period stain, or something else entirely, but something about Andy’s words registers as not just right but exciting. 

Nile nods, and the next thing she knows she’s being led to the bathroom, containing a bathtub, a toilet and a sink, and not only is Andy leading her by the hand but Nicky and Joe are following as well. 

“Um,” Nile says, not sure what she’s supposed to do next. She knows they understand the basic concept of privacy; they all close the door when they’re in here by themselves. Well, except Joe and Nicky who are frequently in here together. 

“Here’s where being part of the team comes in handy,” Andy says, leaning against the edge of the sink and leading Nile to stand in front of her, with Joe and Nicky standing in the doorway. “Did you know there’s one person in this room who’s never experienced menstruation up close before?”

What? Not what she’d been expecting Andy to say.

Still, Nile turns to look at Joe and Nicky. 

“I was married at nineteen,” Joe shrugs. “We had three kids.”

She turns her eyes to Nicky, who’s been incredibly, uncharacteristically quiet this entire time. 

“Nile,” Nicky says, taking a step inside the bathroom, and slowly going to his knees in front of her, his back to Andy. 

“Whoa!” Nile says, when the implication of everything that’s happening here finally adds up. “This is a lot.”

“I know,” Andy says, looking like she doesn’t think this is a lot at all. “But if you take off your blood-stained pants right now, you won’t regret it.”

So, this is her life now. Standing in the bathroom of an abandoned house in Germany, bleeding into her underwear, with three immortals clamoring for her to get naked. How has her life gotten weirder _after_ she got shot in the head and recovered?

“I’d love to see it,” Andy says, in a softer voice, and changes her position against the sink, rubbing her legs together in a way that makes her meaning impossible to misconstrue. 

Nile thinks she can see a faint flush coloring Andy’s face, and everything in her is desperate to see where that could go. The thing in the back of Nile’s head that she’s been trying not to think about, not to dwell on, where some days she thinks meeting Andy was the best part of entering this new, bizarre life, rears its pesky head again, and Nile has to push it down. 

Given Andy’s mortality, her weariness, Nile doesn’t want to think about those feelings too closely. Not right now. 

But she does undo the top button of her jeans. 

Nicky helps, once she’s got the zipper halfway open. He pulls her jeans down, and then her underwear, and she tries not to dwell on how strangely not-weird it feels to have a man she’s never even had sex with gently, lovingly pull down her blood-soaked panties, before pushing her to sit on the closed lid of a toilet. 

She bends down awkwardly and kicks out her ankles until her soiled clothes are on the floor, and then, with his access unimpeded, Nicky gives her one last grateful, awed look and grabs her thighs, pushing his face into her pussy. 

She gasps, tilting her head back, closing her eyes. It’s impossible not to. He’s licking and sucking her like he needs her blood on his tongue to survive. 

“Fuck, fuck!” she says, legs wrapping around his shoulders, pushing her pussy harder against his face. He doesn’t seem to mind, making humming noises, like he’s enjoying a feast. 

Nile has never had period sex like this. The most she’s experienced was one time when her high school boyfriend had sex with her on the last day of her period, and then had a mild freakout when there was a little blood on the condom. 

With every stroke of Nicky’s tongue Nile can feel her pussy get wetter, and she doesn’t know whether that’s more blood, his saliva or just slick arousal. She remembers, before she died, periods used to be painful. Even when she took painkillers, everything felt mildly sore and uncomfortable down there for at least a day or two. 

It doesn’t feel like that now. Maybe the immortality took care of that? It’s the least the universe can do for her. 

When Nicky sucks on her clit, causing her to whimper and open her eyes, she sees that Joe is right next to them now, kneeling on the bathroom tile behind Nicky, one hand on Nicky’s lower back. 

“Enjoying yourself?” Joe asks, looking at his husband-lover-soulmate. 

Nicky pulls away for a moment, and Nile stifles a growl. She’s already breathing heavily. 

“It’s a miracle,” Nicky says, smiling back at Joe, and Nile doesn’t know whether he means Nile getting her period, menstruation in general, or the fact that Nile is letting all of them watch her get eaten out in the bathroom while she’s bleeding. 

Joe laughs, and leans down to kiss Nicky, who’s still covered in Nile’s blood and juices, and fuck, fuck, Nile was not ready to see that. The wetness in her pussy now is definitely just regular arousal because period blood has never felt that lubricating. 

She looks up at Andy, who she expects to be watching Nicky and Joe’s exchange, but instead Andy’s eyes are locked on Nile’s, making Nile’s heartbeat skyrocket even more. Fuck, she feels utterly, completely exposed, even though Nicky is obstructing Andy’s view of her private parts. 

“Get back to it,” Andy says, clearly to Nicky, though it sounds more like a casual comment than an order. 

Nicky and Joe pull apart and Nicky smiles and nods a quick “Yes, boss,” at Andy before turning back to Nile, giving her a quick wink, and burying his face between her legs again. 

This time, even before he starts licking into her, she feels like her pussy is already on fire. Throbbing, on edge, just waiting for someone to give her a little more and finish the job. 

“Fuck, Nicky,” Nile says, in gratitude and pleading and warning, because she’s close now, really close. 

Nicky responds by grabbing her thighs tighter and pushing her legs back even more, giving himself better access, licking lower and lower, where her blood no doubt seeped ages ago. He’s truly cleaning her up with his mouth, mopping up every bit of blood sinking into every fold and crevice, and Nile moans and buries her hands in Nicky’s hair, pulling harder than she’d ever allow herself to do with a mortal man, and comes, feeling her insides spasm, pushing herself against Nicky’s face. 

It lasts for a few brief, blissful moments, and then Nile lets go, panting, her body relaxing. She doesn’t open her eyes for a few moments, luxuriating in the amazing feeling of having an orgasm, something she hasn’t experienced since shipping out to Afghanistan, before she has to process what actually just happened. 

When she opens her eyes Nicky and Joe are kissing again, with their usual unhurried tenderness. Because of course they are. 

“Alright, get out,” Andy says, giving Joe a light kick in the leg. “Give a girl some privacy.”

Nile laughs at that, and then can’t stop laughing as Joe gets back on his feet, giving Nicky a hand to help him up and out of the tight space. 

“I’ve read orgasms do wonders for the contractions of the uterus, which can cause pain during menstruation,” Joe says, as Nicky pulls him towards the door and out of the bathroom. “Would you say that’s been your experience?”

“Just send us the bill, doctor,” Andy says, rolling her eyes and closing the door behind them. 

And then they’re alone, in the bathroom, just the two of them. With Nile’s underwear lying discarded by the sink. 

“Do you want a shower?” Andy asks, and doesn’t wait for Nile to answer before pulling her shirt over her head. 

It’s not that Nile’s never seen her topless – briefly, when they had to change on a mission, usually because their clothes were more bullet holes than fabric – but it’s never been like this. So deliberately, so casually, like she and Nile were taking showers together every day. 

Well, Nile’s already half naked anyway. 

She gets up, standing on shaky legs, and pulls her shirt over her head, followed by her sports bra, and doesn’t bother folding any of it before putting it down on the toilet lid. 

Andy turns the faucet, and then comes closer to Nile, cupping Nile’s face in her hands, like she had earlier, except this time she looks even more vulnerable, even more raw. 

“Who knows why you were sent to us now, of all times,” Andy says, quietly, barely audible over the sound of the water. “But whatever the reason is, I’m grateful.”

Nile leans closer, and Andy closes the distance between them, kissing her like Nile’s never been kissed before. Hungry and measured, passionate and steady. 

They take the rest of Andy’s clothes off, and then get in the shower, which actually turns out to be a bath, since Andy turned on the water and closed the drain. The water isn’t super warm, but to Nile it still feels like a luxury, and Andy uses her fingers to make Nile come two more times before the water gets so cold they have to get out. Nile does her best, with Andy’s instruction, to give as good as she gets.

When they climb out, the water has turned slightly pink, reminding Nile what got her here in the first place.

It’s already evening, and Nile still had no period supplies. Fuck. She leans into Andy wordlessly, letting herself feel despair over this small but ever present worry that she was hoping to be rid of as soon as possible. 

Andy chuckles, and holds her, and towels off Nile’s back. 

When they emerge, Nile wrapped in a towel, Andy wearing only her shirt, Joe is cooking something in the kitchen. 

Nile hears the sound of the door, and then sees Nicky come in with bags of groceries.

“Good, you’re done,” Joe says, casually cheerful, and grabs one of the bags from Nicky, spilling out the contents on the dining table. “We went out for some supplies. These are the heaviest we could find,” he holds up a box of purple pads. “And these are for the lighter days,” he holds up a box of the smallest tampons Nile has ever seen. 

“There’s also this,” Nicky says, pulling out a pink box of panty liners. “We… weren’t sure what these were for, but it doesn’t hurt to have extras.”

“There’s also the menstrual cup, right?” Joe asks, looking at Nicky. “Maybe it fell out of the bag in the car?”

Listening to them talk about it, watching a table full of tampons and pads, Nile can’t help but feel overwhelming relief. That she doesn’t have to worry about this anymore, that they went out and solved it for her, in a foreign country, like they always try to solve each other’s problems. 

That she lives with these people, who could be cold, selfish assholes with unlimited time on their hands, but instead are some of the warmest, most caring people she’s ever met. 

“Good job, boys,” Andy says, strolling past them to the bedroom she’s claimed, presumably to put on a pair of pants that weren’t drenched from being splashed in by rowdy bath activities. 

Thinking about it makes Nile’s face feel warm again.

“Thanks, guys,” she says, hurriedly, and walks over to grab the supplies she actually intends to use, giving Nicky and Joe each a kiss on the cheek. 

They both smile at her, and Joe goes back to making dinner. Nicky goes back out to the car, to search for the missing cup. 

Nile walks back to her room, past the couch, and realizes she’s not even bothered by the stain anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> The title of this fic was almost "[insert menstruation pun here]"
> 
> I hope you enjoyed this, my take on what would happen if Nile did get her period (although I'm a big fan of all the fics where she doesn't! LOL)
> 
> If you'd like to read more of my Old Guard thoughts (and get some recs for music in Arabic Joe is definitely into lol) you can head on over to [the Old Guard tag on my journal](https://marina.dreamwidth.org/tag/fandom:+the+old+guard).


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